stuff and shit

I feel entirely too narcissistic writing an entire paragraph about myself, so I've decided to write about something else... Something near and dear to my heart- Frosty the Snowman. Odds are you associate Frosty with innocent, childish fun. I don't. I associate Frosty the Snowman with pure, unadulterated evil. Let me rehash the plotline to one of America's favorite 'harmless', 'lighthearted' christmas stories:

One fun-filled winter day neighborhood children decide to build a snowman. They roll 3 balls of snow to form a body, use coals to form eyes, a button for a nose, and then place a magic hat on Frosty's head when, suddenly, he springs into action. Pretty tame stuff, right? Hmmm. Well, unbenounced to the children the magical hat on Frosty's head belongs to a vile, selfish, soulless magician who will stop at absolutely nothing to reclaim his possession. Guess what happens next- the temperature rises to above 32 degrees Fahranheit and Frosty starts to melt. Thats right, the protagonist of a story designed to captivate four year olds begins the tedious process of melting to death. So Frosty the Slowly Dying Snowman and a little girl he's befriended hop a train headed for the north pole, a place cold enough to keep him frozen year round. What they don't know is that the son-of-a-bich magician has been stalking them throughout their entire journey, waiting for a chance to strike. Finally, at the climax of the tale he seizes the moment. After a long, ardous journey to the north pole Frosty's elementary-aged companion begins to shiver. She's cold. Being a kind-hearted creature, Frosty decides to rest with the little girl inside the nearest heated building, a greenhouse. Slam! the door to the greenhouse shuts behind them and the two are trapped. I swear on everything holy I'm not making this up. The magician followed them to their destination and FUCKING LOCKED FROSTY THE SNOWMAN IN A GREENHOUSE. The next five minutes of the movie document in perfect detail the mutation of Frosty from a perfectly healthy, jolly snowman into a pool of water. Then, sickeningly, the animators thought it a good idea to end the scene with an image that could haunt Josef Mengele: Frosty's faithful companion, the little girl who risked life and limb to help him survive, buries her head into her hands, sighs, and lets a single tear roll down her cheek..... only to fall hopelessly into Frosty's lifeless puddle. And what serves as the background to the aforementioned gut-wrenching spectacle? Why, the magician standing outside the greenhouse laughing uncontrollably, of course. Who cares if a ten year-old child is witnessing the agonizingly slow and painful death of her best friend feet in front of you, you've got your magic hat back... Life is great. Laugh it up. Have a good time.

Muahahahaaha
Muahahahaha
Muahahaahaha

Merry Fucking Christmas.

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